I’ve been eating gummy bears lately. No no no, you don’t understand: I’ve been steadily chipping away at this massive amount of gummy bears that Andreas bought at World Market a few weeks ago. I don’t know how big the bag was, or how much it weighed or anything, I just know that it was huge, and ever since I realized that no amount of stuffing bears in my face would put a dent in it, it has become my Everest. I WILL defeat these gummy bears, damn it! With their smushy little faces and stubby little arms and legs taunting me from their mosh pit of color.
The container of gummy bears. When we started this was full, plus there was another smaller container.
This experience has given me the unusual opportunity to analyze the flavors of the different colored gummy bears, and provide an appropriate ranking system. Okay that’s not a very unusual opportunity, but the magnitude sure helps drill it into your head when you spend an inordinate amount of time trying to eat only yellow and orange gummy bears because they’re so gross and there are so many and you want only the other ones left because they’re so much better but the ratio of gross-to-not-gross gummy bears is not going down even a little bit! WTF??
Anyway, here is my verdict for rating gummy bears:
Red is the Best: As with most candy in the world, red is always the best. It’s the fruitiest and the most flavorful, and hands down just the most delicious.
In a big twist, Green is second: I usually don’t like green candy, but this green is solid. It must not be lime, cause lime is nas-tay. Kiwi is a good candidate, but we may never know. Either way, good on ya, bear.
Clear is in the middle: I won’t lie, I don;t know what color this is supposed to be or not be. White? Clear? Colorless? Regardless, it’s pretty okay. Has some weirdness to the flavor, but still pretty good.
Then Orange: In keeping with candy tradition, citrus is lacking in the flavor department. Everyone knows what orange tastes like, so the simple fact that we’re not surprised gives Orange Bear its edge in not being dead last.
Yellow is last: Not surprising, given the history of the candy industry. Why do they always choose gross-ass lemon to flavor yellow candy? Like, okay, let’s look at this. There’s pineapple, there’s peach…well that may be it but it’s so much better than lemon! You doomed this bear forever.
I hope this has been helpful to inform you of what to expect when attacking a mountain of gummy bears.
